(T.W references to suicide, mental health and the general themes of the book)
I just read the bell jar and I don’t think I’ve ever connected to a piece of media as much. It wasn’t particularly world changing but more felt like walking down a path I’ve been down a hundred times but this time while in someone else’s mind and therefore not so alone.
I make this post because a lot of the interpretations seems to be just a bit off for me. I have seen people discuss it being about women having to learn to assert themselves, about the tragedy and awful effects of mental health or the transition into adulthood but it felt something more to me.
As a neurodivergent woman I am obviously bias to read it through this lense and it perhaps is just my own interpretations of the book rather than something inherent to the book itself, but to me it seems so obvious.
The idea of succeeding in school just because (getting As in physics despite no interest in the subject and no goal to strive for) the part about being a racehorse with no track just hit hard. The idea of wanting to be everything at once, seeing life as some great exotic adventure and then being so overwhelmed with choice that removing the ability to choose seems the only option.
It felt very reminiscent of my own life struggles and current battles in such a way it felt like we had the same brain. I think doing everything your whole life according to what you should do and then ending up with a complete lack of identity after it all is something very common with neurodivergence. The feelings of alienation from others, the ideas of “trying on different personalities”. I feel a lot of my life I have been seeing everyone as characters in a story and being completely unable to pin down what character I am supposed to play because I don’t want to limit myself but then getting stuck, trapped under a bell jar while the air is stagnating.
It feels like everyone got a rule book and a set of immovable personality traits that was missing from my life. I feel Esther falls into traps that I have since learnt aren’t true: believing everything should be planned out, taking a few behaviours of someone and then using that as a way to sum up their whole identity (viewing them as a character), believing the awards and achievements or lack thereof equate to moral failings or accomplishment of myself, seeking praise from people I don’t want to be like, believing everything I do should be in service of a goal, believing the world is watching me, being overly critical of others and myself and believing it to be “real hard truths” and this is just a small handful of things that cropped up.
I think the character expresses a very binary view of the world such as when she complains of not being able to commit to one way or another all the way, seemingly viewing people as falling into each category and her an outlier and a failed character for not doing so herself. But this is paired with a great creativity and curiosity which seems to directly contradict this.
In my own experience it has felt like I have two halves of myself at war, and because of the fight I am unable to commit one way or another to either side and her experiences seems to line up perfectly with my own. Am I a Betsy or a Doreen? Instead of accepting the truth that I am neither and made up of a mixture of parts, I end up stuck between the two, failing to choose and isolating myself from everyone.
I didn’t want to make this post saying she shows traits of xyz and add to the trend of “let’s diagnose this character!” That I’ve seen a lot of. And more to just explain that I am neurodivergent and the thought patterns, behaviours and struggles of this character connect to me more accurately, deeply and consistently through the whole book than any other media before it and how it maybe be an important lense to consider when studying the novel.
It also makes me grateful of what I know now and the information I have access to, as although not necessarily expressive of Sylvia’s own thoughts, I can’t help but feel connected to the real person and feel as though I would have shared her fate had I been in her place without the resources I have now. My heart aches for this person I will never meet and I wish I could have held her and told her she wasn’t alone, but perhaps I am wrong and I am only projecting a reflection of myself. In which case I will turn the compassion inward, and take solace in the fact her story made me feel a little less alone.
by emmaa5382