I love lighting a candle, playing some background music, getting a bottle of bottom shelf wine and starting a new book. It is an ultra-pleasure. Like top-tier enjoyment. But I feel like I cant ever be truthful about it when someone asks “what are you up to tonight”.
Like if I told the truth, there is this common response where someone feels like they need to rescue me from such a sad and boring evening. And these people are not judgmental or ill-intentioned, it just is genuinely beyond comprehension that this is how anyone would volitionally spend my time.
Ive tried honesty, and said “Im stoked, just picked up the witcher series and cant wait to dive in”. And someone will be like “Oh shoot, well if youre not doing anything come by my place we are going to etc. etc.”
Reading is doing something!
Anybody out there feel this way? Dont want to make people feel like you are bailing on them for “nothing” but also want to protect your magical reading time at all costs?
by new2earth17
36 Comments
It will feel weird at first but be honest – taking care of yourself is priority #1 and if you relax by staying home, that’s what you tell them. Real friends will understand. (Now time to turn off my phone and read – and I’m not joking 🙂 )
You need to make some BOOK friends! I have friends whom I love who just don’t “get it” about books, but my “book friends” are the BEST!
Meanwhile, just thank your other friends nicely but don’t expect them to change….and don’t feel like YOU need to change either. We are who we are.
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>I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.
— Jorge Luis Borges
I never plan to spend a whole day reading but when I do get that into a book you better not bug me.
I would emphasize the alone time…. like “I’m finally getting a night to myself with wine & a good book!” Or “it’s self care Saturday… I’m really looking forward to staying in for some much needed alone time with my book”
I think people who don’t like solo time find it hard to believe someone would choose it over socializing, same as people who don’t enjoy reading cant fathom that you could get as excited about starting a book as they get about going to a new release movie or watching the latest episode of their favorite show.
Introverts require time alone to recharge. Extroverts recharge in a group. No one is ever 100% one or the other, but we do have preferences.
Once I reach the end if glass 2 my reading skills are poor at best but I love the sentiment of this post.
Yep, all the time. It’s similar to “I’m not reading this book at the lunch table just to kill time until you come and talk to me.”
Yes, my husband and I are both introverts and love reading and just chilling at home with a good book or playing a video game together or watching a movie, and there’s people that don’t understand why we aren’t bar hopping every weekend like his sisters.
His sister got after him saying how we needed to be out at the bars meeting new people, and neither of us is interested in that anymore. We both did the bar scene when in our early twenties and in college and honestly, it was pretty boring for both of us. My husband also got sick of it because his sisters would often get drunk and get into fights with everyone at the bars and he was sick of the constant drama.
Some people don’t understand that other people love nothing more than a quiet activity at home, and there’s nothing wrong with it. I used to feel self-conscious when I was younger about not wanting to party more, but now that I’m in my thirties, I couldn’t care less what people think. I just do what I want to do.
Imagine not needing the superficial validation of other people to have a good time. 😉
I have friends who are also at home reading. And we tell each other we love each other by finding a book we think they would like and buying it for them. It’s a good gig.
I have told people, when they ask what my plans are next weekend, that I plan on “doing nothing next weekend”. Inevitably, someone invites me to some activity, and I say, “I’m sorry if I was unclear. I didn’t mean I have no plans. I plan on doing nothing, and by God, it is going to be glorious. If you want to make plans sometime, schedule it farther out so I have time to prepare myself for socializing.
i used to find it a bit weird, until i realized that it’s socially acceptable to scroll on your phone for hours, even though that’s 100000x ‘worse’ than reading a book
I get the sentiment of your post – I also love planning a night in and absolutely have to recharge on my own – but your question was “anyone else have trouble…” and the answer to that is:
No. Not at all. I’m able to communicate my plans with my friends.
I just don’t see anything you’ve described as anything approaching a problem. Your main complaint seems to be that your friends like to give you alternative options. Just say “No thanks. Been looking forward to this for a while… but are you free [x date]? I’d love to catch up properly and spend some time together”
Just tell your friends the truth and communicate with them. If someone who is not your friend is hassling you about your plans, you don’t owe them an explanation.
Just call it me time.
‘I need some me time. I need to relax at home.’
You just keep saying “no thanks, I’m reading.” Until they learn you enjoy it. Occasionally say “man I can’t wait till I can get home and read my book, this chapter has me on edge.”
I do exactly as you say, someone asks me what I’m doing on the weekend I tell them – I’m reading XYZ and I couldn’t be more excited.
This has never lead to anyone thinking I’m doing nothing.
I will leave parties, dinners, barbecues, work, appointments with the exact same answer every single time.
My favourite candle this month is lime, tangerine and bergamot 🥰
Totally! As life goes on, you’ll find you’ll make more and more friends who think exactly the same way, and it’s just great! Honestly, my spouse and I spend a lot of evenings just sitting together in the den, reading. It’s great!
Nope. When I was a kid, my parents each had a heap of books at the side of the bed that they would renew every Saturday when we went to the public library.
For a long time, I thought all parents did that.
For some people, being “busy” means that you’re doing something with other people. If you’re alone, no matter what you’re doing, you’re not really “busy” because it wouldn’t be inconvenient to anyone if you were to stop doing it and do something else.
…Which isn’t true to be honest, it’s possible to make plans with yourself just like you said about your evening reading.
I’d guess that the people who can’t understand being busy alone probably have some deeper insecurities they may not even know they have when it comes to being by themselves
Im the same way! One of the things I look forward to most is an empty house on my day off, with a nice warm cup of coffee and a good book to read😌Im a fairly sociable person but really value my alone time, so I’d prefer a nice and relaxing evening like this over many social events/outings.
Edit: couldn’t spell “many”
nah, my parents love reading while with my friends know that i’m an introvert, so they leave me doing my stuff.
Honestly i just gave up on explaining hobbies, no matter what you do someone thinks there’s gonna be a better thing to do 😂 like i have friends who will spend hours watching TV shows but think playing video games are dumb. Just say that’s your plan and end it there.
Others: They sit there with their phones looking on whatsapp or the internet.
Me: carefully pulling out my book and opening it.
Others: WHAT! Don‘t be so antisocial by starting to read!
So most of the time I‘m reading when I‘m alone and nobody can see me.
This is exactly how I feel, only with PC gaming instead.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything.
This is what you like to do and it brings you happiness, relaxation and peace of mind.
I don’t know about you but I get none of those when I’m out. I’m extremely introverted so nights like these are what I’m really after.
For me it’s coffee brandy, really warm amber lights and a 27 inch portal to a fantasy realm.
Cheers and happy adventuring!
Reading is as legitimate a thing to do as anything else so I don’t see why anyone would think otherwise.
I think it’s wonderful people are trying to include you in their plans. I don’t think they think reading isn’t a fun activity or whatever; I think they just want you to feel included.
My husband used to get worried I’d feel left out when he left to hang out with his dad on weekends but he’s since learned I like having a quiet house to read in the tub. Since he likes being social, not being able to be social would be a bummer, so he assumed I would also be bummed. It comes from a place of love or just the persons own experience and isn’t malicious or mean or ill- intentioned.
Now if your friends were like “ew gross reading get a life” that would be a whole other story.
I couldn’t fucking care less what they think and don’t feel compelled to waste my time explaining myself.
It’s not that reading is not doing anything, it’s that you’re not doing anything out of the ordinary or that you can’t do another day.
Let me elaborate. If I read every evening, or watch Netflix every evening, I may very well enjoy that, but if I go out with friends, I can still do it the next evening and the one after that and the one after that.
If I’m not doing anything with other people, I’ll still find something to fill my day, be it video games or books or cycling, but I don’t have to be doing these things the and there, I just happen to have the time for them.
Anything I do with friends requires coordination, and if I don’t do that today, I might not be able to do it tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that. I can fit in a bit of reading any day when I’m not doing something else, but I can’t just fit in an evening with friends if I don’t happen to be reading.
For these reasons social activities or activities which require more planning generally take precedence. Even if another activity is not better than reading a book, if it’s a rarer activity or one that I can’t just sit down and do any time, then it’s a rarer treat and should be prioritised as such.
Ah, the age old question.
I am straightforward about it, and I purposefully project confidence in those moments (whether or not I actually feel confident). I want to treat my own plans and desires as equally worthy to theirs. I will not apologize for desiring something different than the next guy or gal.
When someone asks what I am doing tonight, I will say something like what you do, OP. “I’m so excited, I finally get to have a night in and read XYZ book!” My close friends all know me well enough to say “Ooh, fun! I know you love that!”
For people who don’t know me well, the ones who think I need to be rescued, and then attempt to do so, I simply say “Aww, thanks so much for inviting me, but I have a date with myself!” or “I’ve been looking forward to reading this book, but I’d love to join you next time!” Happy, polite and smiling—no apologies!
If I get a puzzled look or pushback from them, I explain that I’m an introvert bookworm, I need time alone to read and recharge, and to me *there’s no self care more essential*. Then I often follow up by asking them out to coffee for sometime that week. A lot of the pushback people give us stems from their own insecurity (I’m not more fun than a boring old book?!?) and making plans with them for later helps alleviate that. I genuinely enjoy getting to know new people one-on-one so this works great for me. If I don’t want to ask them to hang out, then I will usually follow up with “What do you like to do to recharge?”
This tactic of being direct and then affirming them rarely fails, but when it does I know we are never gonna be close friends, and that’s ok. I have plenty of friends who get it, and relationships with people who don’t get it (after some explaining) usually end up being a constant source of stress.
Why do you care what they think? I am genuinely curious. How much do you care about how other people spend their downtime? Probably not much, and they probably don’t care much about how you spend yours
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I am a lifelong reader, so believe me, I understand your relationship with books. I think you would be happier if you just decide to please yourself and not worry about what others think.
You could say that your book group has a meeting scheduled. So it’s a group of one — they don’t need to know that.
I don’t explain how I choose to spend my time to people. It’s pretty much that simple.
I go on 1 or 2 weekend vacations a year. No kids, no husband, no pets. Just a hotel room with a nice view and some shops and restaurants within walking distance. My husband always asks what I’m going to “do” with my weekend. He suggests movies, bars with friends, getting my nails or hair done, and even the indoor skydiving place close to my hotel. What I do, what I always do, is read. I walk through shops and along the walking path for hours listening to audio books. I eat all my meals while reading a book on my kindle. I curl up in the hotel bed eating my favorite snacks and reading my book. The only time I’m not reading is when I’m looking for new books in the bookstore. With covid making online ordering and contactless pick up so readily available, I don’t even speak to a human all weekend, besides to check in to my room and say “hi, how are you?” and “thanks! Have a great day!” to cashiers. Heaven!!!!
My husband can’t understand how I could ‘waste my vacation doing nothing’, but is happy I’m happy.
The problem here is that you seem to feel obligated or afraid to correct them. Just simply be honest and say “Oh no thanks, this is how I’d like to spend my evening”
It’s better to be honest and straight forward in my opinion. I have very few misunderstandings because I live my life that way. I don’t get pressured to do things I don’t want to because I stop it the first time it happens.
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Don’t explain. They don’t care to understand, they don’t need to understand. Just don’t explain. Thank your friends for their invitation and politely decline. Just say you’re busy. That’s it. If anyone considers themselves intimate enough with you to grill you for an explanation, consider yourself intimate enough to gloss the fuck over it: if they need to know, you’re taking personal time to recharge. Mental health first and all.
If course it IS important to actually accept your friends invites to go see them every now and then, if you want to keep receiving the invitations and having a relationship with them.