Alright, so, my kid had to memorize and analyze a poem for English class, and it was Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost. BIG POETRY wants you to believe this is a post-romantic exploration of the evils of late-stage capitalism or whatever, but I am here to tell you that they are LYING to you!
Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening is a sick tale of murder and mayhem, death and destruction, and yes, it even has a KILLER HORSE. This is the confession of a guilty mind, the mind of a man turned poetic after years of carving a BLOODY PATH through the farmhouses of rural America.
Our first clue is the timing: it’s the darkest evening of the year, that means winter solstice, and it’s cold AF, as demonstrated by the frozen lake and the line “\[it was cold AF, yo\]”. Who is out in the middle of the woods in the middle of the longest night of the year in the middle of winter? A ninja assassin? Could be!
Our second clue is whose woods they are: not Robert’s! He’s trespassing! He knows the exact name and location of the owner of these woods, and he knows that they’re not going to realize he’s there. Who has that kind of intimate knowledge about the ownership of wild forests? That’s right: a RURAL ninja assassin!
Now it’s all coming together. But what about the horse? The horse thinks it’s “\[weird\]” that they’re stopping where there’s no farmhouse. We’re supposed to believe the horse represents his promises, since we promised horse-kind food and water in exchange for carrying our shit in the great before-times. But now we know the truth: this horse is THIRSTY FOR MURDER! Bob stops by famrhouses in the middle of the night to KILL the inhabitants while his SICK AND TWISTED HORSE watches (and presumably gets to eat something, Robert’s not a monster).
But what about the bells? Surely no self-respecting assassin would make that much noise? It’s a ruse! A trick! He lulls his targets into a false sense of security. “Renowned international rural assassin ninja Chilly Bob wouldn’t be so careless as to announce his presence with bells,” they say, right before BEING MURDERED!
The question you have to ask yourself now is: if Big Poetry can hide this, what else can they hide? Is the Jabberwocky alive? Are Maggie and Milly and Molly and May actually PSYCHIC GHOSTS fighting the CRAB WARS beyond Venus? Do bandersnatches WALK AMONG US??
by SomeoneGMForMe
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Do you prefer flower or edibles?