i’ve attempted to read her journals before and found myself becoming frequently irritated, but i couldn’t understand why. it took me a few months to realize it was because i felt like i was reading my own diary and it was too much for me to handle.
then, a couple weeks ago i felt the beginnings of an especially awful mental health episode coming on, and around 9 pm, completely spur of the moment, i convinced my boyfriend to go with me to buy the book. i felt that i absolutely had to read it to learn some detrimental information about myself that could prevent what i thought was an inevitable spiral.
the last open barnes and noble we went to did not have the book, and for whatever reason that set me off completely. i had a horrible breakdown, sobbing, telling my boyfriend they were hiding it from me. i felt that some force was stopping me from trying to save myself.
as soon as i got home i ordered the book in for pick up to a closer barnes and noble, and got it first thing the next morning.
since then i’ve spent every minute of free time annotating it, and the more i read, the more i find myself. there are certain passages that feel like swallowing a bucket of ice, and i’ll lay awake with anxiety wracking my body.
i can’t stop reading it; i feel that as soon as i stop i’ll miss the vital piece of information that explains myself to me and cures me and saves me from sylvia’s devastating death.
i feel now that she is also the last person i could’ve spoken to that would understand me.
this book is incredibly important but so heavy. has anyone else had such a strong “relationship” or connection to her journals?
by OkEntry1300
1 Comment
So, you want to save yourself by reading the journals of someone who couldn’t save herself?