Reading “The Body Keeps Score” has brought me so much peace (TW: SA)

Specially, I am referring to *The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma* by Bessel van der Kolk

Originally, I spotted this book when I was lazily browsing through Barnes&Noble. I had heard of it before and figured I’d give it a shot.

Starting out, I found to be very different than most popular psychology books. The author has stated that it was written specifically for a clinical audience which (imo) is refreshing to read. It’s straightforward and well researched.

When I saw the section on remembering passed memories, I paused. The thing is, at some point in my teenaged years, I become concerned that I had been sexually abused as a child. Part of it was because I had some strange memories. Another part was some concerning physical reactions I would have to certain things. For example, I once attempted to instead a tampon, which caused me to vomit and break down in tears. I was so upset that my mother let me stay home from school that day.

I had no memory of being touched, but it sure felt like I had been. I went searching, “was it possible to have a physical memory of something, like sexual abuse, but not remember it?”

The answer, it seemed, was a strong: no.

I found several articles stating that things as “repressed memories” are just, easily sellable pseudoscience bullshit. Made up by therapists that push people into believing they were molested. I felt stupid for even considering it! Of course, the logic is sound. Look at studies where people were able to implant false memories in others. Look at the unreliability of witness testimony. In short, memory is malleable. Randomly remembering past sexual abuse years later is *not* possible. Therefore, I was making it up. Case closed.

However the idea would not leave my head. And I proceeded to get worse and worse. In college I got a girlfriend, who is sweet and kind and gentle with me always. Yet the first few times, I couldn’t have sex without bursting into tears. I would occasionally have fits where I pushed her away, kicking and sobbing. I determined, that I was just mentally ill. And things like sex were very emotional and would just set me off.

Soon *anything* being “inserted” in me set me off. Getting my blood drawn at the doctors office would cause me to spiral. I would just keep thinking “the needle is inside of me it’s inside of me get it out get it out get it out-“ During two separate check ups I got up and instantly vomited in the sink. Swallowing pills also made me uncomfortable as I would “feel” it, going down my throat.

I told myself over and over I was mentally ill. I was making up this idea of sexual abuse so I could have an “excuse” for why I was such a wreck.

It wasn’t until I was 22 that I had a flash of a memory. A clear memory of it happening. And who was doing it. I instantly spiraled. There was no way that was real. And not him. It couldn’t have been him. I was an insane mentally ill faker

Honestly? I picked up this book ready to disregard the idea that “the body keeps score.” It’s been disproven hasn’t it? I’m just crazy and I’m just looking for excuses.

So I sat there on the floor of Barnes & Nobel. And for a few hours I read.

There is something about-after wading through a laundry list of mental health bullshit articles and self help and whatever else- reading someone that gives you facts. And studies. And past experiences. Someone that gives you not only their arguments, but acknowledges and responds to counter arguments. The book also gives context for the political context in which these arguments were developed. The historical reasoning behind it and such.

I do not think I am crazy anymore. Leaning about the scientific reasoning for trauma, the many theories we’ve discovered over the years, and how traumatic memories are processed has done so much for helping me move forward and heal.

by Yeehawapplejuice