Like the title says, I need a voice or something to turn to these days. I would prefer something based on actual research but if you think it will genuinely help me feel free to suggest whatever you want.
First the “bad people” part:
I am an ex-abuser. I have been a shitty sibling to my sister. I would get angry at her and hit her until she cried. I would call her names. I haven’t abused anyone in like 12-13 years or so, and by definition I believe you can’t really be considered an abuser until at least you are 13. My therapist, back when I had the money to see someone, also didn’t agree with me when I said this, but I believe that it is true. I feel like whatever psychological mechanism that made me abuse my sister is still present within me, so I stay away from people so that I won’t be hurtful to them. I guess what makes me hurt even more is that I was also psychologically abused by my father and I know how deep that wound cuts, so I know exactly what it feels like, and yet I did it. It also feels like I’ve failed her as her sibling, I should have protected her and instead I only made things worse for her.
If you check my previous posts you can see me talking a lot about this. That’s because part of me still can’t let it go. I mean, I’ve talked to my sister about this and I apologized to her, and she accepted it, but I can’t let this guilt go. Because I am still me, and I have to do better.
I can also get very hateful towards myself and others. Last year I’ve come to the realization that the same hurtful voice I had in me was also the voice I would direct at others. There is a connection there, but I do not fully understand it yet. I also have anger issues and I am impulsive.
I guess part of the reason that I need a voice to turn to is because I am alone. Nobody other than my therapist knows about any of this and I am broke, so I can’t really get any support from another human being. I tried getting friends but I am not a particularly pleasant person to be around, for obvious reasons, and I’ve decided that it would be best for me to keep people away from myself until I can fix whatever is wrong with me. If it is something that can be fixed, that is.
I am also a trans woman. I’ve recently started hormones and they really helped. If you think my self esteem is low now, you should have seen me before. I was just unbelievably lazy, unmotivated and weak.
I am still lazy, still unmotivated and weak but noticeably less so.
At some point in the near future, I don’t know when, I will have to come out to my parents. There is a good chance that I will get rejected but able to stay at home and finish my school. I am 27 and a college dropout. There is also the possibility that I will get kicked out, it isn’t likely but shit happens.
Ever since I’ve started hormones I’ve started to feel incredibly lonely. Not just in a romantic way, but just… screaming into the void, and you hear nothing back. There is no presence other than yours, there never has been. It hurts. Like I said, I can’t let people get too close because it would be irresponsible for me to do so. Thus, I need to satisfy this need to escape the presence of nothingness other than myself, I need another voice, in the form of a book.
So I deal with lots of guilt, and for good reasons. I have a reason to live thankfully, the reason is to be a girl at this point. It’s worth it, I think. I am not particularly well equipped for the challenges that I have ahead of me. Like, I am just weak. Not as weak as I was before hormones, but still very weak. I think about what dangers are waiting for me in the future and I feel overwhelmed and helpess.
I need a book or preferably several of them. Like I said, I would rather have it be based on some kind of actual research but if you think it can help someone in my position than feel free to suggest whatever you like. I know that books will not replace therapy but books seem to be the only option that I have right now. I am broke and will remain broke for at least another 3-4 years.
The reason I’ve talked about all that stuff is because I couldn’t exactly figure out what kind of book would specifically be helpful to someone like me. Like all my posts this is also a long one and as usual, if you read this far, thank you.
by smoothbrain_1947