First of all, a note to the moderators: I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A BOOK RECOMMENDATION I JUST WANT TO HAVE A PEACEFUL DISCUSSION, THANK YOU, PLEASE DON’T DELETE MY POST.
I’m a woman and I have grown up and still live in the Kurdistan region of Iraq. As such, I believe one of the most common real-life themes in most of our (women in my community) lives is to witness a loving father betray his daughter for the sake of societal norms that he does not necessarily agree with, but subscribes to for the sake of convenience, or acceptance. Unfortunately, I know of several versions of this story within my own family’s lineage.
One of the saddest examples however is my grandmother’s aunt, who has now passed away. She had an amazing singing voice, and a knack for folklore stories. She could recall entire Kurdish epics from memory, and she was able to retell them in the most compelling manner well into her 80s. Everyone in the family knows that this is a skill that she had inherited from her father, who was famous for being very witty and having an extremely hospitable home which was almost always filled with guests. They had had a good relationship. Yet he gave her away to a man 40 years older than herself when she was just 13-15 (no one knows exactly) years of age.
I must say, back in the day it was pretty rare for men to have any sort of important relationship with their daughters. It was socially expected of men to be cruel to their families. So, those who did have good relationships with their families were judged. This is exactly the type of story that does not get told accurately in our community, because it is frowned upon to talk negatively about one’s own family or lineage. Parents are especially sacred in our cultures, and thus, their faults are not really talked about.
When these stories *do* get told, they get told in a way that avoids calling out the betrayal. The reason I even know about this is because members of my family tell it as a wholesome story. Of course, when they speak about her father, they don’t speak about her arranged marriage later, they end it before it gets there.
Although this type of thing was more common back in the day, I can’t say I don’t see it today. I do see men who are reluctant to publicly express love for their families, especially their daughters. It’s very subtle, and one may not pick up on it if enough attention isn’t paid, but it’s definitely there.
I believe these stories are valuable, and they must be told. I have been thinking of writing such a story, set in old 1920s Kurdistan, but it is very intimidating and I have never been very good at committing to long-form writing. The most I have done is 10-12 pages. However, if it must come to that, I think I will commit, for the sake of telling a story that remains untold.
finally, I’d like to say, if any of you who are reading this are from Kurdistan and you think I’m “talking shit” or putting out a bad image of our community. I assure you, I am simply criticizing a phenomena that I am sure exists on a very large scale all over the globe. This is not a Kurdish thing, it’s a patriarchal thing. But I can only speak to the community I have grown up in, and I also believe that our stories, and our struggles with patriarchal systems as Kurds are unique issues that cannot be explained or seen from a western perspective. The patriarchy exists everywhere, but the way we go about dealing with the patriarchy must be tailored to us specifically. We can’t use western models of activism to fight eastern models of patriarchy. Therefore, it is important that we tell these stories from our side too.
by Piazytiabet