I finished Shuggie Bain and I have many things to say

I picked up this book in mid-September and from the very first pages, I could understand that it would not be a pleasant journey. I decided to read this book slowly and take breaks in-between in order to savour it and recover a little once I felt it got too overwhelming. Even when I didn't read it, the book couldn't leave my mind. I found myself worrying over the characters, trying to guess what would happen next.

I admit that it took me a while to fully get into the story. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED the book but it was kinda hard to dive deep into it at the beginning. There were moments which made me kinda bored and there were some parts which dragged and perhaps could have been excluded from the story. Nevertheless, once I dived head first into the book, I was able to appreciate it more.

The writing was truly exceptional. It's almost hard to comprehend that this was the debut novel of Douglas Stuart. The writing style was mature, descriptive and raw. It did a wonderful job at portraying the characters and it highlighted the bleak atmosphere that surrounded the book. The rich descriptions of the buildings, the people, the working class and the sceneries gave me a better idea of what it would be like to live in '80s Glasgow's tenements and it was clear that the author was familiar with the hardships of poverty and English society during these times. I also appreciated the depiction of the Scottish accent, it was really fun to read it aloud and it made the story more realistic.

The way Stuart wrote the characters is just great. They were flawed and far from perfect and they felt real. I felt many emotions towards them. But my heart aches for Agnes and Shuggie. I was desperate for them to finally find happiness. Although I was sometimes baffled with Agnes' actions, I couldn't blame her entirely. I don't know what it is like to live with an alcoholic and I hope I won't. Agnes was a woman which had to deal with her own demons. She made mistakes and she was trying to fight against her addiction. I found her to be a very complex character. On the one hand, I knowledged that she was not a saint and that she was partly at fault for how her life turned into. On the other hand…I felt sad. Sad for her because she was trying so hard to please a man who didn't truly love her. Sad because she was desperate to find her own happiness. Sad because although she clearly loved her children, she couldn't be a better mother because of alcoholism. Agnes was a flawed human being and even though, I understand why many readers disliked her, I really wished for her misery to end.

At first, I found it odd that the book focused a lot on Agnes. I had expected that the novel would centre around Shuggie. But the more I think about it, the more I realise that by showcasing Agnes' battle with alcohol, we get to see how her actions affected those around her and how difficult Shuggie's task was. I think that it was important to witness Agnes' life and see how that affected Shuggie and the rest of the family.

Out of all the characters, the one I loved the most was none other than the boy whose name is prefixed to the cover of the novel. Shuggie had a rough upbringing and ever since he was a small child, he had to endure his mother's fits and the bullying from the other kids. He became more mature and despite the misery around him, he somehow managed to remain optimistic. His love towarrds Agnes is beautiful and tragic. I personally couldn't believe how it was possible for him to live her so much, even though she was in such a bad state. He refused to abandon her, he didn't want to see her getting mistreated and until the very last moment, he just wished she could get back on her feet. Those around him warned him about her, they told him that she was a lost case. And yet he remained by her side, clinging to her and trying his best to help her. On top of that, he had to deal with his inner conflict about his sexuality while trying to fit in a society that constantly belittled him and his mother. His desperation to be considered "normal" was heartbreaking to say the least. It's such a bad feeling to feel unwelcome and to feel like you are wrong. I really wanted to hug him and reassure him that he's not wrong and that he's doing his best.

One of my most favourite experts in the book is the part when Agnes encourages Shuggie to continue his dance, even though their neighbors, the McAvennies were watching and mocking him.

“If I were you, I would keep dancing.”
“I can't”. His hands and fingers were still outstretched and frozen, like a dead tree.
“Don't give them the satisfaction. ”

This right here is one of the best scenes between Snuggie and Agnes. Agnes encourage Shuggie to do what he likes instead of worrying about the McAvennies and she showed him that he should feel comfortable expressing his freedom however he liked. She didn't feel ashamed by him and instead of making him hide his talent in dancing, she wanted to make him be free and not care about the other's opinion.

The love between a mother and her children is explored well in the book. Although Agnes is not tender with her children, they still cared about her. Catherine and Leek still loved her but they weren't willing to deal with her if that meant that they would be prevented from chasing their own dreams. They wanted to escape from this void which makes total sense. Still, they cared about her. Shuggie and Leek who stayed with her for a longer time made sure to protect her as much as they could. They tried to prevent her from hurting herself or drink too much. Shuggie wanted to make her feel happy so when he saw that Agnes seemed happier around Eugene, he was bitter. Because as her son and as someone who cared deeply about her, he wanted to be the one to make her laugh. He wanted to make her feel good. His love for his mother made him have more tolerance against her outbursts and condition and he tried to remain optimistic for the most part. He was just a kid who wanted the best for his mom. Even if that meant that he would have to sacrifice a part of himself in order to take care of her.

So far in my life, I have never had any experience with addictions. None of my relatives have been alcoholics so I have no experience in this field. However, I could easily tell that Stuart's depiction of alcohol addiction came from the heart and that he knew what it feels like to be with an alcoholic. Agnes' addiction to alcohol was portrayed in a raw, gut-wrenching way. It made me feel sad, angry, confused…Dealing with an addiction it's by no means pleasant. And it's not easy to recover either. Your actions affect those around you, you slowly destroy yourself and you find yourself trapped in a loop with no way to escape. When Agnes was one year sober, I truly felt salvation. I felt hopeful and I was optimistic that things would change for the best. But they didn't. And when Eugene pressured her to drink again, I was DEVASTATED. I almost screamed and cried from frustration. I considered throwing the book away. And as her addiction continued, I couldn't help but ask: when is this going to end?

The ending was very beautiful in my opinion. One of the best endings I have read so far. I was sobbing for almost have an hour and my mom had to bring me tissues to wipe my tears. It's bittersweet yet realistic. Agnes' death broke me, especially when I read Shuggie's reaction. But at the same time, I knowledged that Shuggie couldn't do anything more. That was beyond his powers. He did what he had to do but his role as his mother's protector had come to an end. It was time to seize his own day and live his life. It's not easy. And he already has to deal with some problems. But there is still hope. There is hope for a brighter future, one when he will truly be free.

“There is no way Shuggie Bain can dance!”
Shuggie tutted. He wrenched himself from her side and ran a few paces ahead. He nodded, all gallus, and spun, just the once, on his polished shoes.

This quote right here makes me tear up everytine I think about it. For the first time, Shuggie is truly free. Free to dance publicly. Free to express himself. Free to become what he wants to. He finally feels comfortable with himself and he is not going to hide anymore. He will continue to "dance" and live his life in the best way possible. And that is an encouraging thought.

As much as I LOVED, LOVED the book, I admit that there were certain aspects which I didn't like that much. As I mentioned above, some parts of the story could have been exluded, I definitely think that had the book been a little bit shorter, it would be slightly better. I also think that as much as I read liked reading about the characters, I feel like there was room for more development. It would be nice if Stuart had dived deeper into their personalities because there were ttimes when I felt like there was more beneath the surface. I understand why some people described them as "two dimensional" and I myself would have enjoyed something deeper.

All in all, this is definitely a book that captured my heart. It's a book that deals with many difficult themes and made me feel many emotions. I don't think that I'll reread it anytime soon but I'll still be haunted by it for a really long time. I am looking forward for the tv series, I really hope we'll get more news about it eventually. If you're planning to read this book, do it. But check the trigger warnings first!