Long story to get best book suggestions. Will clift note it to make shorter.
Married 19 years. Around year 17 I felt us growing apart. Everything besides being roommates had stopped existing. (Date nights, time together as a couple, relationship communication, intimacy, etc) [found out hard way, that we let everything else in life come first, and was too exhausted for the wife to put in energy after everything else was taken care of]
I begged for 6-12 months for those things to become a priority and even told her that I felt we were growing apart.
Fell on deaf ears, every attempt turned into an arguement. During that time, we had 4 date nights where she spent the majority of if not all of it on the phone texting, scrolling, games whatever. Intimacy happened every 2 or 3 months.
Fast forward: a long time friend was going through similar situation, and I reached out to pick them back up emotionally from being down in the dumps.
We talked about the situations and compared how similar the situations felt. One thing lead to another, and I ended up having an affair. By this point I felt like I was no longer wanted in my marriage. That it had basically became a marriage of convenience or she was just too comfortable to say anything. I didn't know, as I couldn't get time of the day with her, she just always kept herself busy and gave short answers or we would argue.
I hated myself instantly for cheating, I set out 3 or 4 times to talk to my wife to tell her. She was around our daughter or family over etc. So I set a day we were both off and pulled her to the side. We drove to a private spot and I told her everything, between my first attempt and this point she had started raising questions, but always when our 5 year old daughter was near. So I lied to keep the daughter from being exposed. I explained all of this in our talk, and it broke her completely. Which shocked me because I was almost expecting her to be mad, but relieved based on the way things had been going for nearly 2 years.
We decided to separate but not divorce. During that time we would be free to date others while we both healed. She was crushed by me cheating, I was still crushed by all the lack of effort into the marriage from her, and feeling like I was no longer wanted in my own family/hoke.
I continue to be in contact with the friend, she made new friends. Few weeks later she begged me to come home, she would give 100%. I broke it off with the friend, went home for the wife to give up after 2 days. Her words "I don't think I can give 100% I am not healed enough yet. Apologize to the friend and see if you can work it out." I didn't want to, I wanted my family. I asked her 4 or 5 different times if this is truly what she wanted. She said yes with no uncertainty in her voice, face, body language, etc. She sent the friend a text message telling her that we had her blessing and she wouldn't interfere again. I ended up making up with the friend and we kept moving forward. (I was still hurt and wasn't even sure I was still in love with my wife by this point.)
Recently I found myself realizing I was still madly in love with my wife, and I wanted to attempt to fix my family.
She said she couldn't, and if she was being honest she can't see us together ever again. This completely shattered me worse than I have ever been shattered. (Remind you, I have hated myself since I first cheated, and know that I can't forgive myself for it. I have always hated liars, thieves and cheaters) My daughter finds out who is my world and my only reason to wake up each day. It breaks her heart which shatters me even more. I continue to see the insecurities in my daughter with both me and my wife. (Begging for attention, telling us she loves us all the time, crying when we leave to go anywhere) Due to finances we are still having to live together.
So all of this has broken me completely mentally and emotionally to the point I feel like I went to sleep and woke up in a dark labyrinth with no idea where to go, the exit must be too far away because there's not even a trace of light. I wander aimlessly not knowing where to turn. All while constantly feeling like I am drowning. Completely lost and not even sure how to begin to move forward and heal. I don't feel welcome in my own home, so I am staying out all hours of the day and night. Due to, when we are around each other we are either completely silent or we start having friendly talks about random things, one of us without fail says something and it hurts the other and we argue and shut back down. It's not healthy for either of us or my daughter. But I am stuck for a little while.
I need an ebook that I can listen to and pull from to help give me ways to find direction, cope, heal, and try to get back some sort of resemblance of being ok.
by OlDfashioneD-ITY