Put in the simplest terms, though I've been out as queer for a long time, having actual experiences with women in contexts that aren't panicky or fleeting is new for me and I'm discovering that it's different for me– it feels very natural and comfortable and safe and right in a way hetero sex never did for me, and I can't talk out loud about without crying.
I'm now considering the very real possibility that I've always been just a lesbian, that it's been normalized for me to be out of touch with what I want and that the rural/conservative culture I grew up in affected me and my understanding of myself in ways I'm still learning to undo. (There are also, without getting into the details but they're pretty on the nose, some signs that I may be a man and that I repressed that in part under pressure from a romantic partner.) But I don't know for sure that it's not more about trauma with men than orientation.
I know there's no rush for me to put final definitions on who I am or what I'm into or how I got here, but I do often learn a lot about myself and the world from books. I'm digging into classic lesbian lit already– does anyone have recommendations, memoir, fiction or non-fiction, regarding making sense of your gender and sexuality specifically as it relates to societal pressure, denial and repression, and sorting out what you feel and want from what others feel and want for you?
I read Margaret and the Missing Body (and cried a lot without, then, understanding why). I've read Laura Jane Grace's memoir. Trans-masc memoir recs very much appreciated. I was reading a lot of books that wound up being about lesbians even though it wasn't in the blurb for a while?
I'm honestly not wild about theory as a whole although philosophy applied to gender questions is interesting to me. I don't want to be caught in like, doctrine wars, I just want to hear about or be guided in my own lived experience.
I have already been reading some books on getting back in touch with your own experiences, preferences and desires, and on sexuality for innies in general but if there's something in that zone that seems especially relevant to these questions, please do let me know.
Thanks
by Leiden_Lekker