I've recently said hurtful things to a woman I have feelings for. Or had. I drew up this fantasy about who she is, both in a good way and a bad way. She's been nothing but supportive as a friend, but because my feelings got in the way, it seems like we don't even stand a chance as a friend.
The thing is, she's been nothing but supportive even when I told her that I "used to" like her, making sure I'm doing alright. Even then, I was dumping my emotions and eventually it became too much for her. I said stuff like "you have too many guy friends and I wouldn't want to date a person like that" because of my own insecurities. And I kept on bringing up the fact that I really, really lik"ed" her as if she should feel sorry for it.
I immediately texted her a long apology and called her but she wouldn't pick up. I know it's not her duty to do so especially when I'm the one who hurt her. Accepting apologies and moving on is not something that should be forced upon someone else. I wouldn't wish that for any of my friends.
In another, more selfish perspective, some would even say that I did my part and if she doesn't accept the apology, I should accept that and move on. Silence is also an answer. I should go on and live my life, making sure I never make the same mistakes again.
I know I'm in the wrong here. But I couldn't stand the fact that I just ruined a potential, good friend's feelings by saying something hurtful that stems from my insecurities and possibly even loneliness. I know that logically I need to get my own shit sorted out before reaching out to others, and I need help doing so. Right now? I couldn't stand myself. I could just admit that I'm an asshole for her and move on, but it feels wrong to do so.
I'm not trying to get back with her as a friend or anything. I don't think I deserve to be. Right now I'm a hot mess. And I need help.
I'm also trying to change my life right now by studying for the CPAs because I'm 27 and jobless, leeching off of my parents when they're supposed to retire. My parents are supportive but they're clearly stressed from that as well.
There are too many things that I've got to figure out, but I can't continuously rely on my friends and family to do that for me.
So, any book recommendations for someone so heartbroken and going through all this? Anything that can help me figure myself out?
by bunsnmangoes