Yeah so basically I've spent the last 12 years with somebody who verbally and physically abused me. Every day, for years, was a constant barrage of how stupid I am, how I'm a gigantic fuckup, how I'm ruining his life, etc. When things were really bad he would hurt me. He would scratch me with his nails hard enough to leave claw marks and draw blood. I have several scars from this. The worst he did was bash my head against doors and walls and I'm convinced I've gotten at least one concussion from that.
Now I'm physically safe, but his spirit lingers. It is genuinely difficult to convey the depths to which I have learned to hate myself. I hate my body, I hate my face, I hate my hair, I hate my personality, I hate my voice, I hate that I'm autistic. Every time I think about doing something–finding a job, doing something creative, play games, anything–all I hear in my head is how I'm going to mess it up and there's no point in even trying. Just trying to decide what to cook for dinner today causes these reactions and anxieties. Even just enjoying something, like a well written short-story or hearing a good song, my pleasure sours into bitter anger when I remember I'm too stupid, too much of a fuckup, etc to ever be able to do that. I have spent the last several weeks just staring a hole through my computer monitor for hours at a time. Pretty much the only thing I feel good doing is riding my bicycle, but I'm rehabbing an injury and so riding time i extremely limited until my injury is fully rehabbed.
it seems a long shot, that there is some book out there that can illuminate my way forward, but i feel so trapped. My hopelessness is only exceeded by my helplessness.
by transfemininemystiq
2 Comments
Yes, I’m seeing a good therapist.
*The body is not an apology* by Sonya Renee Taylor
Pretty much every book by Devon Price, which include *Unlearning shame,* *Unmasking autism,* and *Laziness does not exist*