This book was difficult for me to start. I’m not a fan of first person and found the first few chapters a struggle to read, but found the voice and then it wasn’t a problem anymore.
This book made me feel a things I hadn’t thought about in myself for some time. It was recommended to me by my step daughter after I asked them if they had to pick 1 book in their collection that they would want me to read. My daughter is Trans.
After finishing it I’m thinking a lot about them as well. I came into their life when they were 10 years old and I remember once before their mother and I moved in together but had been dating for several months a time when we were playing with some Legos or something on the coffee table in the living room and them saying something about how they are dark inside. I didn’t know what to do with it then and their mother/my partner now for 8 years came in from the kitchen with tears in her eyes. My step daughter didn’t really elaborate and my partner said they had heard it before and didn’t know more about it either. Looking back I regret how I handle it. Especially in retrospect after reading this book. I couldn’t see why a kid would REALLY feel that way and wanted the answer to why that they could not give me. My response was to say that there are people in the world how are really unhappy and sad. That it was a very hard life for them and not something to take lightly as a joke. Dismissive…. Years later in freshmen or sophomore year they came out to us as Trans. Both their mother and I and their “Father” et them be who they want to be who they feel they are and we could see immediate results in their behavior at home and especially outside in the world. They are asleep right now and I can’t wait to talk to them about this book and apologize for my dismissal nearly 9 years ago now.
I’ve digressed quite a bit, but I do have some other thoughts about the book. Did anyone notice the part about the pond at their grandparents? “After the last fish disappeared…” Predator? Was Sean acting out some Conan fantasies on the fish? They or the grandmother filled in the pond, they didn’t restock it. They wanted the pond GONE. A non-acknowledgement acknowledgement of what was happening? Did grandma know and decide to just look the other way?
When Sean sees the man in the truck who eventually put’s the truck in reverse and slams into a car. I felt like this was maybe someone who had sent Sean a threatening letter about Lance and Carrie sitting in the truck deciding whether to make their move or not. Unlike Sean this person changed their mind “reversed” their decision and sped away.
Last, near the end of the book, Sean walking home, someone honks at him. He says he hates it when people honk at him. It stood out to me, but I don’t really know why.
The point of the book seems clear to me. Sometimes there isn’t a reason why. Even knowing this I still found myself looking for clues just like Sean’s parents and everyone else in his world and I’ve come to my own conclusion as to why anyway. Sean felt he had to stop himself from his dark fantasies in simplest terms, but that is a surface answer with the question of why his fantasies were so dark still remaining to be answered.
If you have made it this far, thank you for indulging me. Would love to hear anyone else’s thoughts.
by jimmytickles