Basically as the title says. I want to leave my partner, but don’t feel able to make that last step to do it. (Side note: It’s not domestic violence in the physical sense, I am not at physical risk if I leave. I just worry that I’m making the wrong decision and cannot overcome that.)
I’m not looking for anything cheesy – I’m very much on the Esther Perel wagon (IYKYK). I have a good grasp of relationship dynamics in a realistic world, but feel I have gone too far in what I will accept (cheating on a grand scale). I’ve been on ‘this is your last chance’, 3 times now and I may as well be a door mat.
I know I need to leave, but I have normalised the behaviour so much, that I don’t feel able to actually make the decision. I’m worried I will end up being worse off or regretting the decision. As always, I could give a friend advice and it would seem obvious, but when you are smack bang in the middle of it, you cannot see how bad things are yourself.
Any self-help books or alternatives that might flick the switch in my head and realise I might (just might) be better off starting over than putting up with this, and living with the anxiety.
by reactasaurus
4 Comments
You already know what you need to know. You already see what you need to see. The best use for a book at this point is to wield as a bludgeoning weapon if he tries to stop you walking out the door.
“Why Does He Do That?” and “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” both by Lundy Bancroft.
I hope you know that you are worthy of having a better partner.
One book that helps me personally is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I’m a very shy person and have a lot of anxiety with talking to people and especially talking about myself. The book helps with learning ways to know what to say to people which gave myself confidence because then I knew what the outcome would be.
I’d say it depends on why you don’t trust your judgment, but you may consider “Who’s Pulling Your Strings” if you feel like he manipulates you into staying. If you feel like you two are codependent (e.g., you have low self-esteem and tolerate his cheating because you feel like you don’t deserve better), then “Codependent No More.”
I’d also encourage you not to think about choices like this as a binary “right” or “wrong.” This situation isn’t working for you. Could it improve? Maybe. But there are lots of potential partners out there. Leaving this partner and finding one who respects your boundaries, and holding those boundaries firmly from the beginning, is almost certainly going to make you happier than you are now.
It may be hard to see that, because we generally fear the loss of something we have more than we relish the gain of something we don’t. It can really help to just spend some time thinking about those gains by themselves. Allow yourself to fantasize about how good it would feel to have a partner you trusted. To not feel like he’s running around behind your back. And think about the thrill and excitement of falling in love with a new person. Make try to make those possibilities seem as real as what you’re going through now, then be brave and take the step you want to take.