I’m listening to these advice books, and they do have solid knowledge. But they feel almost manipulative, sometimes, in of their optimism. They give broad reassurance and perhaps good advice, but they don’t tackle the details of the ‘dark’ side of dealing with other people. They don’t advise you on how to protect yourself, how to be careful, and how to be realistic. They don’t guide you on how to go with a vibe without abandoning your authenticity, or how to avoid needless over-sharing without seeming unfriendly and awkward: They can even veer into asking you to put your feelings aside and be responsible in situations where you’ve been wronged, or ask you to deal with toxic people as though they mean well to a really unrealistic extent. They frame your reasonable pain or resentment itself as the blame for how others may react to it. Oh no, you didn’t baby others’ feelings and doubt your instincts on their almost-blatant bad faith enough and completely abandon your own emotional needs for fairness in the situation! Of *course* you deserve whatever comes next. No, you can’t just call out what you see and be reasonably upset. Like…really? I get that even toxic people will often take the path of least resistance, if given the space and time, but genuinely believing in the good faith of others to that extent must surely be naiive and dangerous. I often suspect that some of this advice is just postponing the inevitable.
They may romanticize publicity stunts as genuine acts of charity or morality. It sounds like I’m reading through someone else’s rose-colored glasses, and that the author put them on me for the sole purpose of convincing my mind to sway to their advice. It makes me feel manipulated. They just say, go be likeable, and advise you on managing some conflicts, and getting some very surface level, situational-oriented results. People really seem to me like if you don’t share their attitudes, interests, and meanness too, or if you see a little too much past their masks, or if you’re not exactly as quiet and a little too passionate and vivid of expression, or don’t fall victim to their mini psychological game of frazzling you and degrading you so as to affirm their sense of superiority, that they want nothing to do with you. That is my experience so far. So what planet are these authors living on? I want to go.
I’ve been researching networking, too, but nobody breaks down how to hold and develop practical relationships with the people around you. What kind of conversations lead to you discussing your job hunting prospects? How does that not get super awkward or leechy-looking? How close are these people? People don’t seem to discuss that.
by Antonia_l