My husband have just had a major discussion about if one would write in the book’s margin or not.
I bought a nice used hardback book for our son and just found out tonight that my husband has not only dog eared (folded the top of the page instead of using a bookmark) the pages but has been writing and underlining in it. Am I crazy for being upset and thinking he basically destroyed it?
I have been trying to buy used hardbound books with decorative covers, that interest my son with the intention of giving him a head start on interesting hardbound classics for his library.
My husband normally reads non-fiction self help type books or textbooks so it’s not surprising that he writes in those. Most are paperback though and only one or two are art cover type books (books gifted by others).
He’s basically saying if he can’t write in the book then he no longer wants to have any part in reading it nor reading it/teaching the skills to my son that prior to me asking him not to write in it he was excited to do.
Solutions I’ve offered were getting a notebook, using post-its, putting paper he’s written on in the book itself. Pretty much anything but writing in the actual book and not using something as a bookmark.
So am I crazy for asking he use a bookmark and not write in the book?
by Last-Car5131
10 Comments
I’m in the minority who doesn’t write in their margins and I try not to tarnish/dogear/disturb the things. The point being it’s entirely personal. It sometimes feels like most people here aren’t happy until they’ve lit the things on fire, highlighted through it in six different colors and dogeared every page.
All that said, your husband is being super weird about it.
It’s personal preference. I love writing in my books and being adhd I will absolutely lose stickynotes or papers etc.
Unless it’s a first edition, or signed by the author or something else like that I would let it go.
Plus if they’re books you’re wanting to pass down to your son maybe your son will look back on his fathers thoughts within the book with endearment when you and him are no longer around.
I’m conflicted. If it is his book, he can do what he wants with it. Destroying or otherwise damaging someone else’s property is not cool.
Your husband seems really uncompromising and I imagine that is difficult enough so I won’t add anymore on that account. Good luck with your issue.
Husband’s being a bit stubborn but nothing wrong or different about writing in a hardcover vs paperback. Just personal preference.
My dad writes in his books and as an adult it’s always a lot of fun when I read ones he’s marked up. Feels like being in dialogue with his thoughts/opinions in a really cool singular way.
I don’t annotate most books. I will for books that I’m actively trying to “study” or really understand/learn/whatever.
I don’t think either way is right or wrong, but I’ll second the other commenter’s point that if one day, your son/future children inherit these books, having your husbands thoughts in them will be invaluable. Who knows if you’ll have this books for that long, but it’s a thought to keep in mind even down the road for the next (30) books he annotates that maybe one or two might be worth keeping.
Ehhh. Both reactions seem a bit overboard to me tbh.
He isn’t ruining a book by dog-earing it or writing in the margins. I don’t do either fwiw. But different people are different.
But him stonewalling and refusing to touch the books and engage in them with your son if he can’t write in them also seems unwarranted.
Perhaps there is some other underlying conflict that also needs to be addressed? Do you feel as if he doesn’t respect your things often or is it just the books? Do you think he feels as though you are often nitpicking things he does or is it just the books?
I’d be interested to know how old your son is, and what book it was. I mean is Dad having a philosophic exchange with *Green Eggs and Ham*, or what?
I think you and your husband have fundamentally different ideas about how to interact with the object and unfortunately, I don’t think either of you is right or wrong. Except for dogearing the pages, which is just careless and damages the book over time.
I’d try the conversation again from the angle that the books don’t belong to HIM and it’s rude to make permanent changes to someone else’s property without asking, even if the someone else is your son. Maybe you can come to a compromise regarding the practice; buy softcovers for Dad to read and annotate, and then get hard copies if you think it’s a book Son is going to love enough to want to re-read in the future based on how Son enjoyed the first reading.
But if your son is old enough for conversations, then — how does he feel about it?
It’s possible that someday, your son will have nothing of his dad but the fossils of how he felt while reading, and he may find it something worth having in the same way that a beautiful but unmarked book can be worth having.
No, you’re not crazy. Reading a book is a personal experience and there is a compact between you and the author. Running up against a third person’s thoughts, while you’re reading it, breaks the flow. It’s like when you’re in the cinema and the person next to you is chatting at you. They might be saying something interesting but can you not say it right now please, I’m trying to watch the film.
It’s up to the owner of the book. But no one should dog ear or write in another person’s book.
His writing in his son’s book is concerning – is this an eccentric thing about him or is it part of a pattern of not respecting his son’s property? If he does not respect normal boundaries about the things owned by other people in the home, their privacy, etc then son needs emotional support in setting boundaries with the father.
A therapist could help your son learn how to set boundaries appropriately. Setting boundaries about their bodies and their possessions is an important life skill children need to learn so they can be safe physically and emotionally as they venture out into the world.
I love writing in margins, underlining, dog earring a book – That makes it mine (granted it’s been a while since any book has moved me to doing this). I can imagine one day your son or your grandchildren grabbing the book off the shelf someday and seeing your husband’s notes and scribbles. My grandmother always wrote in her books and I feel so close to her when I pick up one and see what she thought was interesting or what her interpretation was. Unless you’re buying your son one of a kind or rare or expensive books, I don’t see the problem. Just head on down to the half-priced books and buy another clean copy.