I’m not looking for advise for my specific situation. I am just curious about how different people navigate predicaments with their loved ones especially when they get offended my your book opinions.
I’ll give my situation just to provide one predicament. I haven’t been reading much the past few years but self reflections have brought me back to books. Several of my friends have been reading ACOTAR. I didn’t really know much about it other than it’s fairly popular with TikTok readers.
One of my good friends said her and some of the other women in our friend group have been reading the series and they loved it. She said she thinks I would really enjoyed it and said a bunch of things praising the book.
I started the book last week ish and finished it a couple days ago. About 75 pages in, I felt like I was reading something that resembles stories from quizilla 15 years ago. (No hate, I spent too much time on that site as a teen.) Around this point I texted her saying that I started it but wasn’t really impressed with the book but would reserve my final thoughts until I finished it.
Anyways I finished it and sent her a message today saying that if I went in with my expectations lower it was mildly entertaining. I said that it’s similar to keeping up with the kardashians. No one watches that show for anything profound but for pure entertainment. I made some comments about things I felt were weak in the book. She responded and said I haven’t even read the full series and the first book is the worst.
I responded that it wouldn’t be unreasonable to call me a snob. But that I would read the 2nd book to see if it improves. This was a half joke. I know I can be a very blunt person in general without realizing it at the time and it rubs people the wrong way. I try to be cognizant of it but sometimes I mess up.
She sent me a response saying that my comparison was insulting and that I am just ripping the book to shreds unreasonably. And that my opinion was based on one book and comments people have made online. The way she was texting I could tell I had very much so offended and upset her, which was not my intention as I love this friend dearly.
I sent her an apology saying I’m sorry for my words being hurtful and that I would refrain from sharing negative opinions on this series going forward but my husband said it was a clinical apology that you would send to a boss. I told him that’s just how I think and he said he knows that’s just how I am but it doesn’t ease the hurt that she is feeling right now. She hasn’t answered me.
So in the name of discussion, how do y’all navigate talking about books with friends that you sharing very different feelings about?
by Fashion_art_dance
34 Comments
What’s Acotar?
I would simply not take a recommendation from someone who says they love something and then come back and tell them it would be ok if I went in with lower expectations and then compare it to a reality tv show.
Sometimes you can say it just wasn’t your thing. Or that it was ok. And leave the snide commentary aside.
If someone has praised it that highly, I might say Not my cup of tea, or it wasn’t what I was looking for right now. I would not review or discuss the book with that person .
Honestly I would say as little about it as possible
People have a lot of emotion bound up in stories they really love. When someone you care about wants you to read a book because they love it so much, they are sharing a part of themselves with you and hoping you’ll share their love of it.
If you don’t, you gotta be as tactful as possible. Either read it and talk about what *they* liked and maybe engage in some plot-related speculation, or get out early and explain it’s not your kind of thing.
When you tell someone you think something they love is trashy, many people are going to take that personally, yeah.
I dont understand how people hard recommend something and then cant handle a negative review. How does someone else not liking a thing ruin your day?
Have you tried reading Miss Manners?
She/they are full of helpful phrases tips etc
Honestly, you probably shouldn’t have said what you said. I thought maybe you hadn’t known she read it before saying something, but knowing how she felt about it, you went a bit hard, especially over text, where things never come across the way you want them to.
Its not that I don’t think such comparisons should be made, I just think there are good and bad ways of doing it. When you’re reading a book your friend hoped you’d love as much as she did, that isn’t the time to do anything more than “it isn’t for me” or something similar.
I nearly started a thread here the other day “does anybody else avoid talking about certain books they love because criticism feels personal?”.
I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to give examples for obvious reasons. That said your friend is obviously aware of the widespread criticism of ACOTAR and was a bit niave.
This sounds like an argument that isn’t about the actual words but about the subtext. You were needlessly harsh about something she really likes, and the implication isn’t just that the book is bad, but that she has bad taste and is stupid for liking it (and that you’re better than her for seeing that it’s stupid and not enjoying it). You may not have meant it that way but I would bet you all the money in my wallet plus a million dollars that’s how it felt to her, and that’s why your apology came off as hollow. It has a very “well I’m sorry you felt that way” tone.
So I would say, broadly, having discussions like these is not always about “being honest about your book opinions” but being thoughtful about how you talk to the people you love when you know something is really important to them, even if you had a different reaction. Sometimes discretion really is the better part of valor.
You can always come to Reddit to gripe about ACOTAR, lord knows plenty of other people do.
I don’t discuss things with people. Keeps me sane.
If somebody recommends a book to me and gushes about loving it but I don’t like it, I always try not to insult their taste. I’ll say something like “Oh wow, I didn’t like it but so many people do I’m sad it didn’t click.”
I have a few friends who I know don’t mind me having strong opinions and love a good debate, but most people I know are sharing something because they genuinely want me to like it. Being tactful about your dislike can really go a long way in sparing feelings. Not lying, but just not outright insulting something (and therefore insulting her taste). She might have found something profound in that series for whatever reason, and your comment is basically saying “you have trashy reality TV taste in books”
I don’t think what you said was that bad tbh. Though some people can get really defensive about media that they like and recommend to a friend. This is something to keep in mind when expressing an opinion. Probably could have just said, “I can see why people find it entertaining (don’t mention KUWTK), but it’s not for me!”
Your friend needs to get thicker skin. If you cant handle someone blasting your fav book dont reccomend it to other people you know. Ive had friends like this and its always so annoying like, why ask me what i think if you arent prepared for a critical analysis or me trash talking it if i didnt like it?
By being respectful… pretty easy to say you don’t like something without shitting all over it.
Something good to learn in life is to respectfully say “you know, I just don’t think it is the book/series for me” with a smile and move on.
Honestly this is hilarious.
Your friend really needs to get the stick out her butt, not everyone has the same taste in books and that’s ok, I get she may feel like you criticizing a book she loves is like a personal character critique, but it’s not.
You’re entitled to your opinion just like she’s entitled to hers.
>sent her a message today saying that if I went in with my expectations lower it was mildly entertaining.
First of all, you definitely shouldn’t have blamed your friend for you not liking the book. This is an extremely rude way to start a conversation about something you know they really like.
> No one watches that show for anything profound but for pure entertainment.
This is condescending. People consume things for different purposes and entertainment is as valid as any other reason but your strong implication was that it was a lessor pursuit.
>it wouldn’t be unreasonable to call me a snob.
This implies you know you were being rude and condescending but you did it anyway.
As for the core question of how to handle conversations with people about something I have differing opinions on, I try to approach the conversation from a position of wanting to find what they found of value in it.I try to learn their perspective on it. Yes, you can not like something and criticize it, but do it with a little tact and regular human empathy.
Back when the Twilight books were popular, a good friend of mine asked me to read the first one so we could talk about it. I had less than zero interest but I knew it meant a lot to her so I agreed. I immediately regretted it. I hated every moment I spent reading the book and when it came time to talk about it with my friend I had no idea what to say.
I settled on “It’s not really for me but it was interesting. What was your favorite part?” The conversation ended up being mostly about her and what she liked. I was able to point out a couple things I didn’t like while making sure not to put down anything about it that she specifically enjoyed. I even made a joke about a part of the book I thought was especially ridiculous and she laughed.
If I know someone isn’t passionate about a book/movie/whatever they recommend, I’ll be completely honest and forthcoming with my opinion. But when they LOVE it, I’m very gentle even if I hated it and have no idea how they could possibly stand it.
I don’t like the series but your friend does have a point: you’d probably be better off reserving judgement until reading book 2. 😉
lol not your fault if your friend takes criticism of media personally, It’s YA so your friend should really act their age and grow up a lil tbh
Comparing a book someone really loves to trashy reality TV where even the people who like it know that it’s trashy is a very snobby move and it’s why this community is intolerable at times. Everyone wants to think that what they read has some high intellectual value and merit while putting down other people’s tastes. It’s why so many people here use the junk food comparison for books they dislike while pretending they only eat 3 star Micheline meals. And then 90% of the time the examples they give of literature with “substance” are of the same 10-15 books they’ve been told to like by others because they’re as bereft of the creativity they accuse the authors themselves of lacking.
Writing a book is hard. It takes a long time doing something very consistent while juggling other responsibilities in their daily lives. ACOTAR might not be the most creative of fantasy books. It might not be a literary masterpiece. But that book, and others routinely mocked in this community like Twilight, has brought more value to people’s lives than the people claiming them to be trash could ever hope for, and the authors deserve to be lauded for said hard work even if curmudgeons here want to deem them to be talentless. Which is merely envious projection in a lot of cases.
Rule of thumb: any book whose fans only refer to it by an impenetrable acronym is probably bad.
As others have said, if someone shares something with you that they really love, you need to be very gentle talking about it with them. If you have any criticisms, they are probably better left unsaid or just left vague like “not my cup of tea, but thank you for sharing this with me.” Romance and romantasy are also genres that get a lot of criticism that is either undeserved or more harsh than other genres get for the same things, so it’s easy to feel more sensitive to criticism around these kinds of books.
Also, it sounds like you were giving your opinion (and your full, unfiltered, harsh opinion at that) over text when she wasn’t really asking for it. And then you followed it up with a backhanded “apology.” No wonder your friend is angry. If you want to try to patch things over with this friend, I recommend redoing your apology and apologizing for YOUR ACTIONS and not HER FEELINGS. And do it in person, not over text.
As for the book/series itself: Now, I AM a book snob. I will pick up on any things I view as deficits in a book, and they will bother me. However, I have learned to enjoy the enjoyable parts of books and to ignore (or learn from) the things the author doesn’t do quite so well. This does not mean that I always finish books regardless of whether or not I like them; instead, if a book has something to offer that I like, I try to focus on that/those things. (And if a book doesn’t have anything for me, I DNF it quick.)
I fully agree with her that you need to read the second book unless you truly hated all aspects of the first book. For this series, it’s totally a waste to read only the first book. I personally think the second book is a brilliant follow up to the first. They are both written terribly from a technical standpoint, but I found the first two books, when read back to back, overall enjoyable. That being said, I’m not sure the third book is worth reading (hard to say why without spoilers), and after the third book they kind of feel like the author is just writing books to fulfill a contract.
Even if you think something sucks, you don’t have to be mean to your friend about a thing they love. Just say it’s not for you.
If I’m talking to a friend about a book/series they LOVE I don’t rush out of the gate rambling about the stuff I disliked about it. I’ll just tell them that I didn’t really vibe with it that much or that it’s not really for me. Then I vent all the stuff I disliked elsewhere- either rambling to my boyfriend, blog, or reading journal- so I don’t really step on any toes.
My friend wanted me to read Iron Widow because she really enjoyed it. I thought the book was awful. I just told her once I finished that I wasn’t too into it. We didn’t discuss it in depth or anything. I just try to keep the details of why I don’t like a certain book that my friends like to myself if I know it would cause an argument.
Speaking from experience: you can shit on people’s interests all you like, but don’t be surprised if you end up alienating them. I’m naturally critical and have to suppress the inclination around many people because I know I’ve lost friends over it.
As someone with an English degree who loves reality TV, life become much richer when you consume new content with curiosity rather than disdain! Even the Kardashians. Why do people like these so much, what are they getting out of it, what is their cultural impact, what is their political impact, etc. Personally, ACOTAR wasn’t my cup of tea, and I found its politics kind of problematic, but overall I found them engaging and can absolutely understand why people love them so much.
Plus, lots of art that was once viewed as trashy is now considered high brow…
Okay I admit that comparing ACOTAR to the Kardashians is pretty funny, but not in a very nice way at all. You could have just said you didn’t care for the book, you didn’t have to trash it to her. Like why would you feel the need to do that, anyway? I’m baffled by this.
Being blunt and honest doesn’t mean being unkind. You were unkind. Your words weren’t hurtful, you were hurtful.
In the future, if someone recommends a book and you don’t like it, practice saying “Thanks so much for the recommendation! It wasn’t my kind of book but I appreciate you sharing it with me.”
My least-favorite classic author is Earnest Hemingway. My favorite? Jack Kerouac.
My husband’s least-favorite classic author is Jack Kerouac. His favorite? Earnest Hemingway.
(Somehow, we’ve stayed married for 36 years, even though he is bad and wrong on the above points. :cracks up:)
Sometimes, you just have to rib each other good-naturedly, and then find something you do agree on (we both love Martha Wells and her Murderbot.) 🙂
Sounds like you were unkind to your friend and you’re trying to make yourself feel better by coming here. You should go ask r/relationships to explain what you did wrong because it doesn’t sound like it’s about the books.
When someone shares with you something they love, and you hate it, the best way to approach giving feedback is with kindness and softened truth unless you know for a fact they are fine with blunt feedback. Sometimes, there are people who are fine with this kind of blunt and harsh feedback, my husband is like that, but a majority of people don’t want to hear how much you hate a thing they love, especially if they hadn’t expressly asked for your opinions.
I’m someone who admittedly doesn’t take it well when people don’t like a thing I love, so I tend to not ask for feedback when I recommend those things if I think I’ll be sensitive about it. If someone then went out of their way to tell me all the ways they hated it I’d be pretty sad about it and I’d probably feel embarrassed as well.
It can feel like you’re coming after the persons taste, instead of just the thing itself, especially if you get kind of snarky about it.
The times I’ve been in this scenario, I’ve tried to basically say things like “this wasn’t really for me unfortunately” and then maybe give a reason why you could see someone liking it, or give something positive about it, or ask them what they like about it. If you really want to be more blunt about negative feelings you can try to hedge a bit, soften it, or frankly ask the person if they’re ok with you giving some harsh feedback or not.
I’m autistic and I’ve found that straight up asking someone what kind of feedback they are wanting in these scenarios is useful. Do they just wanna know if you liked or didn’t like it? No feedback unless it’s positive? Any feedback no matter how negative and harsh? Idk just a thought 🙂
So my friend lent me the first book in ACOTAR a couple of weeks ago. She said it was a fun, easy read and she really enjoyed it. She is working her way through the series.
I’m about quarter way through and I’m battling to keep going. Yes, it is an easy read, yes it’s kinda fun in parts, yes I can see why people love it. That’s pretty much what I’ll say when I give it back.
I’ll try and finish it I guess. I’m certainly not going to diss it or give an explanation of perceived faults. I’m kinda happy that I have a friend who reads to be honest.
Honestly the first book isn’t the best, that is a pretty common view. The second book is awesome though.