Currently writing a horror/thriller zombie novel, need feedback and advice.
The following segment is taken from my prologue that details the beginning of the virus.
“On a late afternoon of the 18th of February 1973, a Thanatos millitary group pile by the door of sunshine apartments in the outskirts of suburban Riviera. A call is placed detailing a horrific scene stumbled upon by a resident who was passing by. The door is wide open and covered in bloody handprints and smears. A man lay in a pool of blood, he gasps for air and turns on his back, his entrails stay in the same place. Every door is open except for the bathroom, a streak of blood from under the door. Noises can be heard from inside, shallow breathing, and guttural gurgling. Thanatos one, two, and five take the first left in the apartment and check each and every room until they reach the bathroom. Thanatos three, four, and six rush the kitchen where the man has crawled to and sat himself up against the fridge. His veins are black through his skin and without hesitation, Thanatos six takes lead and fires a single burst into his head with a suppressed selective firing AK-12. One and two radio for confirmation, three, four, and six move to their location.”
Feedback please on pacing, vocabulary, etc, anything along those lines.
The following segment is an introduction to my main character whose name has been replaced just for the reason of having an original name:
John Doe flips through a travel brochure at a rental car place and checks his watch. Half past six in the afternoon, the sky is a purple, orange and yellow colour. The wind is picking up ever so slightly. John is wearing navy blue chinos and a white button shirt, his red tie blows in the wind and slaps him across the face.
The rental stand is on an elevated knee-high concrete platform surrounded by metal bars. Two other structures are connected to it, a gift shop and Asian food place, both of which have their shutters down, covered in graffiti, they look like they haven’t been open in months. The walls of the rental place are a white flaky wooden texture with a sliding flyscreen window and robber-proof security screen door. A single camera watches over the window, stairs and accessibility ramp. John opts for the ramp and notes the name. On a faded yellow metal sign are the words ‘Jane Doe’s Rental cars, souvenirs, takeaway and drink.’ John stares at it for a moment.
The next segment, I wrote some time later is during the actual outbreak, I’m worried about pacing and just need some feedback:
John reaches for the ignition and cramps his arm when he goes to turn the key, except there’s no key.
“Run. Jane. RUN!” Dylan yells. The feral outside let’s out a gutteral whine that echos across the lot. The strapped in man in the sedan across the lot has managed to pull himself out from his belt, he slides down from his driver’s side door with a bundle of entrails following behind him. Scratches form on the base of his palms with each tug that pulls him closer to John and Jane. Jane climbs from the car and John follows behind her after throwing the man outside, to the ground with his door.
Any and all feedback is appreciated! 👍
by ZackInTheTrackies