tw for mentions of sexual abuse, spoilers, etc.
it took me two years after being recommended my dark vanessa by a friend (who thoroughly warned me of how “disturbing” and “difficult to read” the contents were) to finally bite and bullet and read it.
and wow.
not only was it the most grittingly realistic portrayal of abuse i’ve ever read in fiction, i was completely engrossed from start to finish. despite not having read much at all this year, i tore through the novel in one night. it felt like watching a horror movie, unable to tear your eyes away until you reach the bloody resolution. and i’m a fan of horror. this book though? it made me queasy.
there were times while reading during which i felt that *i* was vanessa. there’s a line about halfway through the novel, where vanessa describes recounting her abuse to a roomate and recoiling when the roomate likened it to a move *”the horror of watching your body star in something your mind didn’t agree to.”* that was how it felt reading the opening, finding myself sympathizing with strane the way vanessa did while trying to rationalize what has happened to her. then the sick, twisting dread when the true extent of his manipulation was shown. her reaction to strane’s death, guilt intwined with relief, was handled with so much nuance.
i could understand vanessa so perfectly. her denial, her adamant refusal that what happened to her was consensual, the desperate grappling for agency so many victims of abuse undergo. it cut deeper than i ever could’ve expected.
then there’s the side characters, who were also horribly, horribly realistic. the principal, her mother, all the adults who were complicit in vanessa’s trauma. the reactions from her peers and roomate that enabled her twisted romantic ideal. all i could think about is my friend, when i was 16 and she was 18, who started going out with a 27 year old who had know her for three years. people always think they know better, but no one was brave enough to stop it from happening.
i like how kate elizabeth russell doesn’t give the reader what they want. there was no justice, no satisfying relief at the end. just the hope that vanessa will learn what life is like free from strane. i leave this review with a passage from the end of the book which i believe perfectly illustrates my opinion:
>It feels like this is the moment when I’m supposed to open my arms and embrace her, to start thinking of her as a kind of sister. Maybe that could happen if our stories were closer, if I were nicer—though it seems absurd to expect two women to love each other just because they were groped by the same man. There must be a point where you’re allowed to be defined by something other than what he did to you.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ the most gut wrenching book i’ve ever read. this will stay with me for a long time.
by vbblues