Yesterday I read ‘An Unquiet Mind’ by Kay Redfield Jamison. In one sitting I devoured the book, and this morning wrote my review on Goodreads. I thought it would be worth sharing here. For those who haven’t read it, I can only say you are missing out.
my review:
tw//depression and suicide
Being depressed is so lonely. Depression, that which guts you of life and leaves you void of feeling, has cost me more than I wish to confess to. relationships have been strained to breaking point, or not been allowed to develop due to my extreme anxious-avoidant nature. no mattered the attempted understanding by loved ones, there is a quiet, internal, constant insistence that ‘they will never understand’. As Jamison says, “an understanding at an abstract level does not necessarily translate into an understanding at a day-to-day level”. It is this that leads a sufferer to feelings of total isolation. it is an incredibly lonely disease. one becomes withdrawn and resentful of the apparent normalcy of the lives of those around them. a form of social psychosis pervades, where the world seems to be laughing at you. the pleasure derived from music, food and sex, those things that once provided respite and distraction, disappear entirely. The focus of life becomes ‘getting by’. it is utterly humiliating. when getting out of bed becomes a herculean trial, one feels weak and pathetic. with 8+ billion people that get ouf bed every day, why must I struggle. shame and the constant lying grind you down to a point where there seems to be no other option….
of the shameful feelings encountered by a sufferer, the guilt of suicidal ideation stands above all. the constant reminder that others would be hurt by your actions, during periods of this ‘social psychosis’, only proves to you that your existence is only an accessory to others, not something which would have any worth in a vacuum. compliments become cop outs, love feels like a chore, and suicide becomes the only viable option for the good of the world. if you’re lucky, the past version of yourself stopped before it was too late, in time for you to understand that it’s not a good idea, and what you are suffering from is not your own fault, and not something to be ashamed of. this previous sentence reads like an instant realisation, but is in fact as high a mountain as the suicidal depression itself.
kay redfield jamison is a well respected psychiatrist and writer on the study of moods. she also suffers from manic depression (also known as bipolar disorder) . with the shame I have felt with the disease, I commend jamison’s confidence to write this book about her own battle with black moods and suicidal feelings/attempts. this is without question the most important thing I have read, and I will vow to read it whenever the black moods inevitably take hold again. suffering with the disease is so lonely, not matter the amount of love you are offered. there is a hopeless and constant feeling of being abandoned by the human race. reading this made me feel so much less alone, and so much less ashamed.
thank you kay redfield jamison
Thanks for reading x
by yershweemie