I don’t really want to exist anymore. I think there could be something worthwhile to latch on to but I haven’t found it yet. I’m about to finish college and the only thing that remotely appeals to me is the idea of a life in which I can feel the weight of this existence. Something far removed from the manufactured business and constant masquerading I encounter day in and day out. I want to feel people, hear their stories, be in the midst of something raw, authentic, vital, visceral. I can’t justify persisting in an existence that is comfortably numb. If that sounds like the entitled rambling of a sheltered individual, that might be so.
But anyway, any books that I can feel seen by or garner some insight from? I’ll take anything…fiction, self-help (which I been averse to in the past), to psychology non-fiction.
by RSheever
5 Comments
hey. I know exactly what you’re going through. I’m currently at the point where I don’t want to exist anymore myself and I’m fighting through it every day. I don’t clean, don’t bathe, I barely interact with people unless they interact with me first. I’m making everyone around me miserable.
I’ve found fantasy helps. Something that takes me away from the world I’m in and into a whole different place and time. It helps me imagine a place where my difficulties and trouble don’t exist and I could live a whole different life. I love the Harry Potter series, Wicked (I know its a play but the novel is good), Lord of the Rings).
Hope things get better for you <3
Honestly, like genuinely makes me want to be alive:
A Psalm for the Wild Built and its sequel A Prayer for the Crown Shy by Becky Chambers.
My husband would probably put Jonathon Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach on the list.
A man’s search for meaning by Victor Frankel
Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut. Annihilation by Jeff VanderMeer. Piranesi by Susana Clark. Shogun by James Clavell.
I’m sorry we live in a world where you feel searching for connection and authenticity might be interpreted as entitled. It does NOT come off that way. It’s admirable, and even more so that you’re able to voice your feelings so clearly. I seconded someone else’s recommendation for A Psalm for the Wild-Built and A Prayer for the Crown Shy, but I’d also maybe recommend The Singing Hills Cycle by Nghi Vo. Two books I’m really looking forward to reading that I think might also appeal to you are Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer and any collection of Mary Oliver’s poetry (I have Devotions.)
Sometimes life really does just feel like a constant scavenger hunt for the worthwhile things, but if you can build yourself up a little collection, it helps. I’m sorry you’re struggling so much and I hope you find what you’re looking for.