I have a friend whom I’ve known for a very long time and whom I believe deep down is a good person who means well. But for various reasons I also believe she’s been suffering from depression for a long time and refuses to work on herself—but instead of introspection or seeking therapy, which she dismisses and looks down on, she lashes out at everyone around her.
She’s bitter about her job, about her marriage, and has a negative attitude about pretty much everything and everyone. She’s the victim or martyr in every story in her mind. She SO bitter that she often rants and raves and sometimes breaks down in tears. And when I try to talk her through what she’s feelings she often tries to spin her various grievances as things that everyone experiences (‘no one likes their job,’ ‘no one has a good sex life after marriage’ — worth noting she does very well for herself and her family financially and her marital issues are not anywhere near the level of abuse or cheating, not to minimize whatever she’s feeling but to give context). She also has always had a penchant for gossip and these last several years that has turned into really vicious judgmental commentary about everyone we know. And she doesn’t take a hint when I defend people against her mean-spirited comments or when I change the subject.
So for several years my other friend and I tried to be a listening ear, to offer her moral support and suggestions etc. but she refuses to help herself and basically uses me to vent. She admits to this herself, she said she thinks I have an overly negative view of what her day to day is like because I’m “the only person” she can talk to about certain things and therefore unloads all her stuff on me when we talk. To make matters worse I’m pretty sure she doesn’t actually listen to anything I say, whether in response or about my own life; she basically calls to talk AT me, and our other friend feels the same way.
It’s gotten bad enough that I don’t put in a lot of effort to stay in touch (she’s a phone person so she tries to call me at least once a week but I’ve taken to only picking up or calling back every few times she calls). She sensed the change and sort of confronted me by phone earlier this year, and I used the opportunity to tell her that I understand she had friendship needs and but I have boundaries (for example I am NOT a phone person) and she’ll need to either accept them or decide for herself they’re unacceptable and respond accordingly. She changed the subject and has largely not brought it up again but makes little petty remarks about how our other friend doesn’t put in effort, and I know her well enough to know these comments are a passive aggressive complaint about me, too. I choose not to take the bait. But needless to say this has become a pretty toxic friendship.
I’m not quite ready to give up on her/cut her off though so I’m wondering if there are any good books with stories that might help her see the virtues of self examination, of facing her own issues and taking ownership of them, and of allowing herself to be vulnerable enough to confront those issues? Especially for skeptics of such things?
I once read “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” and thought it was a great book, but she refuses to read it because it’s too on the nose (as is pretty much any self help book). She’s a voracious reader and extremely intelligent. Any other ideas for books I can give her for the holidays that are more subtle, and wouldn’t be offensive coming from a friend? Thanks in advance.
Tl;dr Anyone have suggestions of books to give to a friend who seems to be spiraling and needs a loving nudge to seek help?
by itsmelorinyc
3 Comments
I can’t think of anything off the top of my head, but it’s very kind of you to think of this. She’s lucky to have you although it sounds as though she doesn’t really deserve it. I hope you find a book that’s suitable but I think you should give it to her in the spirit of knowing it’s something you’re doing for yourself to be satisfied you’ve tried everything. I doubt anything subtle is going to be effective for her.
The “Te of Piglet” and the “Tao of Pooh” by Benjamin Hoff come to mind.
How To Stop Being an Energy Vampire or Cure Main Character Syndrome. Just kidding, those aren’t real books, but they should be! Listen OP – as a person who has always made time for people like your friend and who has been used as a therapist for years and years, my unsolicited advice to you is to understand that she does not want help. She does not NEED help because she has a free therapist in you. If you get her a book, do not expect her to read it and even if she does read it, do not expect her to make any connections to her life. If you no longer want her to dump on you, you have to tell her. And you have to accept her inevitable decision to turn on you or distance herself from you once you no longer serve her. This is just how these people are. Once you put up boundaries, you might feel a little guilty, but life WILL be better. I promise.