There’s no hope. Only books can redeem me.

It’s long but I had to get this all out. Do read it though, you’ll be able to help me a lot that way.

I am hindered by the fact that I can’t fully participate in society. I cannot have friends, nor can I even take care of basic things. I believe I am an invalid, and I’ve internalized this perception to the point where I was willing to spend my life in isolation. However, recently, I’ve come to realize that I might have been avoiding my problems and that I want to confront them just once. Hence, this post.

History:

As a child, I was not very intelligent, and there’s no denying it. I had a sharp memory and was proficient in math, which allowed me to make friends in school, and the teachers tolerated me. However, I lacked the skills needed for much else, and the people around me suffered a lot due to my lack of intelligence. I was essentially a burden due to my remarkably low level of self-awareness. I was so unintelligent that I would keep making the same mistake without even realizing it, and people had to intervene to assist me but once they did, I never repeated it again. One of my grandparents was similar in this regard, and they say I’ve inherited this trait from them.

Change:

One day, I read an essay that stated something like this: “If someone asks if you’ll be going by the post office on your walk, they most likely want you to run a small errand but are hesitant to ask and are not really inquiring about your walking route. Ask them if you can be of any help”. Or If someone exclaims “Oh, you’re home?” when you certainly are and they see you too, they are acknowledging your arrivial and not asking you about it, “No, I am on Mars” isn’t what you should say.” I followed this advice precisely, and I cannot overstate the impact it had on me. I experienced a significant transformation and gained the ability to introspect for the first time in my life. I could observe myself from an external perspective, and I began to improve. I have changed quite a lot, but I know that I still have a long way to go. I struggle so much that I can’t even respond to a message without using Chat-GPT to verify and formulate my response. My speech and writing work but still lack flow. People tell me that I talk like an AI robot (professors and classmates alike), no tonal changes or modulations in my voice apparently.

What I Need Help With:

I was so clueless that I didn’t even realize I should have covered my baby cousin with a blanket while he was asleep in my bedroom. He ended up catching cold, and it was only when others pointed out that I could have prevented it that I grasped the extent of my ignorance. He’s okay though and the affair wasn’t grave but I can’t redeem myself till I have rid myself of all my follies. I excel in my studies, but I now survive by cutting off all communication with others. I tend to say or do things that irreparably damage everything, so I avoid talking to others or deliberately push them away.

I’ve always been this way, very obtuse when it comes to understanding emotions and feelings; it’s beyond me. I can’t understand emotions and don’t know how to reflect or convey those through actions or words. I can be trained though, once I figure out how it all works, I’ll do fine.I need books that are not necessarily instructive but lead by example. I need books that demonstrate how social relations and friendships work, revealing how people think, what goes on in their minds before they act, how they perceive others, and how they interpret cues. I need books that can teach me how to live. Dale Carnegie or Ettiquette books won’t work, I need books where I can notice it myself instead of someone instructing me to act in a certain manner. I need books that reveal what characters think and am certainly not looking for books that employ stupid Stream of Consciousness.

by Glad-Help470