I hate being gifted books. My physical TBR causes me anxiety and I’ve been aiming to get to zero, but people keep buying me books and it adds to the pile. E.g. I read two this month and was gifted two. I have a very specific list of books I would love to read, and worry that I don’t have enough time in a lifetime to read them, so it is annoying when something gets added to the pile that wasn’t on the list.
I’m an avid reader, and talk about my love of books often, so I understand why people think a book is a good gift for me. But because I’m an avid reader I have a very specific understanding of what I want to read next, so on the contrary it’s the last thing I want someone else to choose for me. As someone whose main hobby is books I’m also highly specific about how I read (alternating fiction and non-fiction then focusing on a new thing each year, e.g. last year was black authors this year is 19th C classics). So when someone sends me something rogue it’s like okay this wasn’t part of the plan! Even if I gave them the list of books I want to read (which would feel like showing them my underwear drawer) I think I’d still resent not being able to choose what’s coming next.
I feel a book is a) a deeply personal thing and b) a 5-20hr assignment for the giftee, so I don’t think they make good gifts.
I often dislike the choices my loved ones make for me (reminds me of [this article](https://www.thecut.com/2018/12/why-some-people-hate-getting-gifts.html) around being gifted as “the horror of being misunderstood”), but if someone goes to the effort to read something, think of me + then purchase the book for me I feel awful for not reading it.
I am financially stable/have disposable income and prioritise buying books anyway (e.g. it’s not coming from a place of helping to fund a hobby I can’t afford). In general, I love receiving gifts (even when they’re something not quite right for me) – for some reason it’s receiving books specifically that drives me up the wall. I am not really a stubborn person in any other sphere but I am REALLY stubborn in how I feel about this.
I feel AWFUL for feeling this way. Like a stroppy toddler! It’s a nice, thoughtful gift aligned with my interests. I haven’t spoken to my friends directly about it because it feels so rude to receive a gift and then say “actually I hate this”, so I say thank you I love it and then it continues year after year. Should I just get over it and bite my tongue? Is it rude to donate them directly to charity? Has anyone had this conversation before and do you have any advice. Thank you!
by isotopesfan
42 Comments
Tell your loved ones they can buy books for me instead.
Your tbr will never be zero, it’s time to accept that. Keep the ones they’ve already given you and ask for them to hold off on getting you more.
It’s time to start dropping hints into conversations. Since you likely talk about books a lot – you can easily say, “I’ve got to stop getting new books. I have 50 I haven’t read, yet, and I’m out of room for books. I need to take a month long vacation just to clear my nightstand! That’s it – a book diet for me! NO MORE!” If they don’t get the hint after that – then they deserve to have their gift donated.
Make light of it. You don’t HAVE to read anything.
Have you spoken with your family and told them to stop buying you books? Maybe suggest a gift card to a book shop so that you can make your own selection?
If I were one of your gifters, I’d be totally receptive if you just explained a version of what you wrote here! Seems totally reasonable and not rude as long as you don’t say you specifically hated the books they got you. Maybe suggest gift cards to book stores instead if they don’t know what else to get you, then you can choose what you want in your own time?
Be forthcoming and simply ask not to be gifted books for the foreseeable future. Say you want to work through the books you already have and don’t want to add to the tbr for the time being.
I love reading as well, and I’m very particular on my reads as my time is limited. Not sure how easy of a conversation it would be, but I ask my family for giftcards to book stores. This saves them time, and it allows me to have the time to finish and decide what to read next. I also enjoy the experience of purchasing a books so I tell them they are gifting me an experience as well as a book.
Books take up tons of space, so start talking about the lack of capacity for more books? This was my solution. I have tons of books and the space for less than half of them, so I started making jokes about being stressed over what to get rid of to make room for a new book. I also bought an e-reader to start making books I’d only read once digital and began telling everyone about the plan, which had everyone but my sister start just giving me gift cards rather than physical copies of books. She still gives me books, but they are ones I would already buy for myself because she knows I need everything from my favorite authors in high quality hard cover so they survive multiple readings.
you could make a goodreads wantlist and make your profile public. that way people will buy from that list. “i have a list of books i am going to read, i love reading, and i love it when people gift me books in my to read list.” or something like that
You have to be up front about it. Scary, I know. But people don’t know things are problems until you make a point about it. Some people will listen right away, but others sometimes like to be stubborn or trust their own instinct over your request. If you don’t want people buying books for you
1. Tell them don’t buy books
2. Return books they buy you
3. Let them know you’ve returned the book
If they aren’t listening to you verbally, you have to show them with your actions.
Lol I got the opposite problem. If I were you I’ll just inform them of your anxiety from your tbr.
Start suggesting alternative gifts for them to buy for you. You talk a lot about books and so they buy you books. Give them something else to work with. They likely just want to support your hobbies and interests after all.
First off. It is perfectly okay for you to feel that way and you don’t need to be ashamed of it. Second. Tell them. The most effective mode of communication is direct and honest. Tell them _why_.
You know that plot line in books everyone hates in which one conversation would solve the entire plot?
This is that, but in real life. Talk to the people in real life with one simple conversation. Maybe even talk about things you WOULD like so no one is struggling to think of things to get you.
Also, a gift is a privilege. It’s so amazing you have people in your life who know your interests and want to make you happy.
Telling someone you hate the gift they just bought you is bad. Trying someone in advance of your birthday or Christmas that you don’t want more books is fine. You can just say you don’t want me until you’ve read the ones you’ve got or until you have enough space for them. That way they don’t feel bad about past gifts but know what your preference is for future ones.
It will also help if you can think of an alternative thing you’d like, like chocolate. They no doubt but books thinking you’ll like it, so having accurate info is nice cos it gives confidence that a gift you buy will be welcomed.
Just tell them no, the truth. Simple.
Say to your friends and family “hey could you not buy me any books this year? I’ve got a backlog to read and I’d hate for them to sit on a shelf unread for years”.
Like how is basic communication such a struggle for so many people?
Tell them what kind of gifts you would like to receive instead of books.
Send them my way! I’ve been building a library for years and need more material lol
Ah yes I love posts that have nothing to do with books and everything to do with a lack of basic communication skills.
I wish I had that problem..😅
Taking a leaf out of the book of that article’s author is a terrible perspective. If you don’t like being gifted books, say so, otherwise accept them with a thank you and then donate them if you don’t intend to read them. And maybe get some therapy to untangle why this is the sticking point for your anxiety, speaking as one anxiety-ridden person to another.
> I feel AWFUL for feeling this way. Like a stroppy toddler!
No one else cares, relax. Try talking to people directly instead of over-thinking it.
Tell them that you appreciate the previous gifts, but you’re all full up on books now. You have enough for the next decade or the rest of your life.
Treat the books as you would any other unwanted gift: return/exchange or donate.
Use your words. “I’m grateful for the thought and the gift, but I don’t need any new books right now. Next time, please don’t get me a book.”
I’m always delighted to get books as gifts because it’s fascinating to see what people pick out. It’s also a great way to discover new books. I don’t take my to be read pile personally, though, nor do I regulate what I read, so it’s probably different for me.
>I have a very specific list of books I would love to read
Share it with them. My mom has access to a Google doc that I maintain with all the books I don’t have. When I was younger, she’d share it with family members if they asked
you can tell them directly instead of posting on here lol
Tell them not to buy you books
buying presents is stressful cos it’s hard to find gifts that arent total junk.
Try just making things easier for everyone by announcing that you can’t read any more books, and instead you’d like X, Y or Z. Just pick something that you’d be happy to receive as presents – tiny decorate model houses, bookmarks, whatever. The sadness of not being able to give you books will be replaced by the relief of knowing what to buy you.
>I feel a book is a) a deeply personal thing and b) a 5-20hr assignment for the giftee, so I don’t think they make good gifts.
Here’s why you’re wrong:
a) It’s not. Here’s how the thought process works: “they like books, and they like topic X, so I’ll put two and two together and get them a book about topic X.” It’s a bunch of words printed on paper, it’s not a kidney.
b) It’s not. If you don’t want to read a book, then don’t read it. If you feel compelled to do something even though you don’t want to, then you have a problem that goes beyond people buying you gifts.
You enjoy reading – books have words – use your words and tell them you don’t want books as gifts, or to get you a gift card.
If they persist – donate the books to a library, a thrift shop, a hospital or a jail.
(you come across as overthinking this and ungrateful… you have loved ones who think of you and get you gifts, like damn)
I don’t think its rude to tell people they are wasting their own money on you with these gifts. Tell them what you’ve told us on reddit. I think more people will understand than you think. Just simply say you really love the support in your hobby but that your gifted to many by too many people and you’re simply running out space, time and life lol to read them all and that your TBR list is really important to you to get through and you take it seriously and have an organized list of what you want to read and for when. If you can’t muster up the courage to tell people, this then I would just donate them and move on, but I really think you’ll be met with more understanding than disappointment on this. Also, tell these people in a thoughtful and personal way. don’t just send a mass group text saying “no books!” lol Call each person or tell them in person so they know your serious and then they can see or hear your genuine love and application but also your genuine concern and explain how this isn’t working for you. One Christmas I told all my friends that I won’t be accepting gifts this year and to please Donte to a charity of your choice. I Told them I wouldn’t be going to any of their parties if they couldn’t do this for me and just put out the message that I wanted a year of awareness oof the over consumerism we all have for this holiday and that love should be the focus of this time. Pretty much everyone except my Boyfriend agreed and it wasn’t a problem. It’s not being rude to say how you feel about things. If a whole religion can refuse gifts, then I think you can too lol
My god. Talk to them? Donate the books? Put them in a box somewhere?
You tell them
this has nothing to do with their actions, you need better boundaries. They can gift you as many books as they want, it’s up to you to decide to not add them to your reading list.
People are not mind readers so you have to let them know very clearly that you don’t want to be gifted books. Some people will be harder to communicate it to than others, so you will likely have to try a variety of ways and multiple times.
For people who keep up with you on social media you can post that you have been so blessed to have so many friends and family who have gifted you books over the years, but your TBR pile is so big it’s causing stress and you fear you will never finish all the books you currently own.
As you approach a gift giving date like birthday or holiday, you can more directly post that you respectfully request no one gift you a book.
You can send out an email, text, or whatever messaging form you use to communicate with a core group of friends or family and tell them that although you appreciate that they are trying to be supportive of your hobby that you are overwhelmed with the amount of books that you currently have and ask them to please refrain from gifting you any more.
You don’t need to go into any detail, just you have enough and you don’t want more. You can offer suggestions on other things you enjoy in the same price range or my favorite gift is brunch out with them.
This should reduce the number of books you get, but let’s face it some people will never respect your request aka boundary and then you should be able to toss that book into the donate bin with zero guilt. Then you can decide if you want to hide that fact from the gifter and say you loaned it to a friend or that it’s at the office etc. if they ask. I personally am direct and honest in situations where I’ve made myself clear and people have ignored me, I would let them know that I asked people not to gift me books because I do not want to add more to my reading pile, so I donated it.
I don’t know your exact situation but I will throw out the possibility that it might not be as simple as telling people you don’t want books (as many other commenters have suggested). I have very clearly told family members every year to not buy me clothes and every year – they buy me clothes….so let me give you some alternate suggestions that could be helpful if people really want to buy you a book (and be sure to suggest all of these early enough where they haven’t bought the gift yet):
1. Offer to go book shopping with them.
2. Give them a list of books you do want.
3. Try to talk them into giving you a gift card – if you go this route, I would strongly recommend writing them a thank you note detailing what book you got with it. A lot of people feel like gift cards are lazy/impersonal gifts and it’s important to emphasis that you (the gift receiver) didn’t think it was impersonal
4. Get comfortable just getting rid of books people give you that you don’t like. Unfortunately, sometimes people give you stuff that you don’t want and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Also, one final important note that I feel like should be obvious but I feel obligated to mention – whatever you do…absolutely do not tell someone you don’t want books anymore immediately after they give you a book, this conversation should take place ideally prior to them buying you something or after a reasonable amount of time has passed so it doesn’t come across as ungrateful.
Use your words and say “Thank you for being so thoughtful and buying me so many books in the past, but my to be read pile is so tall now that I’m kind of overwhelmed. I would love it if you could donate the books to a school or charity with me in mind instead, and maybe [xyz other interest] if you feel like you have to get me something. Again I do massively appreciate the thought of giving me books, but I just have so many to read that it ends up being kind of overwhelming, and I know you don’t want a gift to be overwhelming for a loved one.”
I once told my mom that foxes are my favorite animal and apparently she took it as my personality. A few years ago I told her that I really like trying new teas. Now she gifts me tea box samples.
Your solution might be to say you’re really into something else. But it has to be something you’re ok with having a lot of. Or ask for something that you can consume or use once.
I told people to stop buying me books; explained that I had enough to last me years. So, just be upfront.
As a side note; I do enjoy people picking out books for me. I’ve read some amazing reads that my husband chose, that I otherwise wouldn’t have picked up.
Add soon as the topic of books or gifts come up, say, “that reminds me, I don’t need anymore books as gifts, I’ll never be able to read the ones I have and I want to read them all especially the gifts.” Say it with a smile and add, “and I need to stop buying books for that matter too,” and laugh.
After having the conversation to ask for book vouchers instead of physical books could you find a bookshop in your closest city that does exchanges for books like store credit. That way you can weed out the books from your tbr that you def don’t want to read so less stress sitting in the pile and also get some store credit towards a book you do want to read. Or keep the store credit for when you want something.